Most marriage problems we see didn't begin after the nikah. They began before it — in the questions nobody asked.
Not because people didn't care. Because asking felt awkward, or families rushed the process, or everyone assumed that being a "good Muslim" was the only box to tick. Then, two years in, she discovers he always expected her to live with his parents. He discovers she never planned to stop working. Neither of them ever asked.
Here is the checklist we wish every couple had before the nikah — built from the problems that bring married couples to us afterwards.
The Short Answer
Before marriage, you should ask about five things: deen, money, family, children, and daily life — not in vague terms, but with specific questions whose answers can be compared. Asking is not rude, unromantic or a sign of distrust. It is the Sunnah of entering a lifelong contract with open eyes.
First: asking questions is Islamically encouraged
Some families treat detailed questions as shameful — as if curiosity means suspicion. The opposite is true. Marriage in Islam is a contract ('aqd), and a contract entered without clarity harms both people. The Prophet ﷺ encouraged prospective spouses to look at one another, and the scholars have always held that compatibility (kafa'ah) matters for the success of a marriage.
You are allowed to ask. You are supposed to ask. And someone who refuses to answer basic questions before marriage is answering a question of its own.
1. Questions about deen
Not "are you religious?" — everyone says yes. Ask how it looks in daily life:
- How is your relationship with salah? Five daily prayers, struggling, rebuilding?
- What does Islam look like in your week beyond the obligations — Qur'an, the masjid, learning?
- Which scholars or speakers do you listen to? This tells you more about someone's understanding than any label.
- What do you expect of a spouse religiously? Hijab, music, mixed gatherings — the areas where couples commonly differ.
- Where do you hope to be religiously in ten years — and what if one of us changes? People grow at different speeds in deen. Ask how they'd handle that.
What matters is not finding someone identical, but someone honest — and knowing where you each stand before you commit.
2. Questions about money
Money is one of the most common sources of marital conflict we see, and almost nobody discusses it before the nikah.
- Do you have debts? Loans, credit cards, family borrowing. You deserve to know what you're marrying into.
- What do you earn, roughly, and how stable is it? Shyness here is expensive later.
- What are your views on the wife working? Before marriage is the time to find out — not after.
- If I work, what happens to my income? In Islam, a wife's earnings are her own unless she chooses otherwise. Agreeing on this now prevents years of resentment. Related: can a husband take his wife's salary?
- Who will we financially support? Parents, siblings, extended family — on both sides.
- What mahr do you have in mind? Discuss it openly; it's her right, not a formality. What mahr is and how it works.
3. Questions about family and in-laws
In-law conflict is one of the biggest reasons couples come to us. Nearly all of it traces back to expectations that were never said out loud.
- Will we live with your parents, near them, or separately? The single most important practical question in this list. Get a real answer, not "we'll see."
- What role will your mother play in our decisions? Asked respectfully, this is not disrespectful — it's foresight.
- If your family and I disagree, what do you do? You're not marrying a referee; you're finding out whether he or she will be one anyway.
- How often do you expect us to visit or host family?
- What do your parents expect of a daughter-in-law / son-in-law? Better to hear it now than discover it.
4. Questions about children
- Do you want children — and when? Don't assume the answer. Ask it plainly.
- How many, roughly? "As many as Allah gives" and "two" are both fine answers — but not to discover after marriage.
- How would we raise them religiously? Schooling, Qur'an, language, culture.
- What if we struggle to have children? A hard question, and a revealing one. You learn how someone handles trial before you share one.
- Who gets up at night? Light question, serious information.
5. Questions about daily life and character
- What does a normal evening and weekend look like for you? You're marrying someone's routine as much as their values.
- How do you handle anger? Ask for a real example: "Tell me about the last time you were really angry — what did you do?"
- How were disagreements handled in your home growing up? Shouting, silence, discussion? People repeat what they saw unless they've worked on it.
- Is there anything in your past or health I should know? Both of you deserve honesty about anything that affects the marriage — and Islam honours concealing past sins while requiring honesty about present realities that affect your spouse.
- Why did your last engagement or marriage end, if there was one? Listen to how they speak about the other person as much as what they say.
How to actually have these conversations
Spread them out. This is not an interrogation to complete in one sitting. Over several meetings — with a mahram present or in an appropriate setting — the answers come naturally.
Watch for the refusal, not the imperfect answer. Someone still paying off a debt, or honest about struggling with Fajr, is giving you truth. Someone offended that you asked is giving you a warning.
Involve someone wise, not everyone. One trusted elder or scholar who can ask what you cannot is worth ten relatives with opinions.
Pray istikhara — after gathering information, not instead of it. Istikhara is for when you've done your homework and are ready to decide. Here's how to pray istikhara and read its answer.
And remember you can say no. No amount of family momentum obliges you to proceed. Your consent is a condition of the marriage itself — your right to refuse.
Common questions
"Isn't asking all this unromantic?"
Discovering it after the nikah is far less romantic. The couples who struggle most in our sessions aren't the ones who asked too much — they're the ones who assumed.
"What if the answers are good but something still feels off?"
Take that seriously. Pray istikhara, consult someone wise, and don't let a good checklist override a consistent unease. The questions are a floor, not a verdict.
"We're already engaged — is it too late to ask?"
No. Better an awkward conversation during the engagement than a crisis in year three. If a question ends an engagement, it saved you from ending a marriage.
"What should the man be asking?"
Everything above. This list is for both of you — and a man who only expects to be asked, never to answer, has told you something important.
A note on this article
This checklist is general guidance, not a ruling on your situation.
If you're weighing a proposal and want to talk it through privately, book a session with a Muslim counsellor or scholar on Khidma.live — or consider Islamic premarital counselling, where a neutral expert helps you both ask these questions properly. For a specific Islamic question about mahr, wali or the nikah itself, ask a verified scholar free — private and confidential.